The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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