I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Swine flu is the new snow day.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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