Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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