My hand turned me down
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
