that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
