grandma shit on top of the toilet
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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