dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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