shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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