Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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