Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
