the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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