I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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