If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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