I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
