he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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