I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
