We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
