I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
