On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
