is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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