Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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