I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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