how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
