I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
