when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
