The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
