I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
