D3 body, D1 cock
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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