I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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