I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
