Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bring me that man meat
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
