I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
