I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
