if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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