Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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