You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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