I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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