finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
