Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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