you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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