That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
