a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My bed smells like the plague
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
