Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
