GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
