I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
