My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
