God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
