So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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