i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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