I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize