I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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