You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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