Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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