Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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