her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
