my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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