Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
