I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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