Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
