i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We are all done wearing pants today
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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