i wish my penis had a tongue
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
